i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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