whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
