the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
