Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
