I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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