you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
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I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
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I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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