It's like a parade of train wrecks.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
did you just send me my own nude
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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