Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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