What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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