Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
