My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
