I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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