Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
