taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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