I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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