So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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