When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
