My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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