There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I faked an abortion last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
