I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
