So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
