i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
