I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
