Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
