I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Semen is not good for contacts.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
