So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
