he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
