Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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