Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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