Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
