Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
