So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
