My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
