I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
