Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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