I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
