i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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