What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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