dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
