HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
