oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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