sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize