you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm sobbing to NWA
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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