ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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