The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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