I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
