Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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