shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
