1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
