Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
