My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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