Don't make out with my wife yet
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
