Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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