I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
