I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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