i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
